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Trump half right..
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04.10.2020 | 4:28 PM ET
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other half still left though
* Edited at 04.10.2020, 4:28 PM ET *
"This is Prize-Fighting, IDGAF about your family or your problems - MassaBruce"
Responses
04.10.2020 | 4:50 PM ET
A man is hosting a fancy dress party, and the theme is you have to come kitted out as an emotion.
So the first guests begin to arrive. The doorbell rings, and the host answers it to find a woman wrapped in pink feather dusters. 'interesting' He says, 'What's this'? Tickled Pink, she says, and is let inside.
The doorbell rings a second time, this time it's a man dressed in a green onesey. 'Green with envy' he says, and walks inside.
The doorbell rings a third time, and upon answering tit the host is confronted with two stark naked men. One has his penis inserted inside a pear, the other has his penis stuck in bowl of custard tethered to his waist.
'Jesus Christ', says the host, what the hell are you doing?! You're gonna get arrested. What is this **** supposed to be anyway'?!
The man with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard says 'Well, I'm ******* disgusted. And my friend here has come in despair.
* Edited at 04.10.2020, 4:51 PM ET *
04.10.2020 | 6:09 PM ET
Well let me tell you all a story. The story has purpose. Theres a moral tho this story..a true lesson to be learned.
This story takes place on a beautiful mountain lake. Along one of the gorgeous shore lines of this lake sat a Hunter patiently waiting for a bear to step out from the bush to catch his fish. On the mans lap sat a sandwich There was field mouse hiding near eyeing up the sandwich, eager for its chance at even a crumb. Under the mans pick up truck hid a stray cat, eagerly waiting for its chance at the mouse.
All the way on the side of the bank, the bear in the bush Is watching a fly flying dangerously close to the water. So finally the fly drops a half a foot to the water, the fish swims up to grab it’s catch, the bear jumps out of the bush to grab its fish, the hunter jumps off his seat into position to shoot the bear, the sandwich drops, the mouse races to grab its meal and finally the cat pounces out to snag the mouse. Amongstthe confusion , despite the cats best efforts, it tumbled into the lake.
Moral of the story?
Every time a fly drops 6” some ***** is getting wet.
"This is Prize-Fighting, IDGAF about your family or your problems - MassaBruce"
04.10.2020 | 6:10 PM ET
"you dont need religion to have morals. if you can't tell right from wrong you lack empathy and humanity, not religion."
04.10.2020 | 7:38 PM ET
Bartender walks into a horse and the horse says "why the long face"?
04.10.2020 | 7:42 PM ET
No? It Reads: 'I hate country music'.
04.10.2020 | 7:43 PM ET
Peter Quill "where's gamora"
Tony Stark "I'll do you one better who is gamora"
Drax "I'll do you one better why is gamora"
04.10.2020 | 7:59 PM ET
04.10.2020 | 8:08 PM ET
04.27.2020 | 12:31 AM ET
What's the difference between an Italian and a catfish?
One's a filthy scum sucking bottom feeder and the others a fish.
04.27.2020 | 1:34 AM ET
A woman is giving birth.
'Push!' Yells the doctor, 'Push! Yes, that's it, keep pushing'!
The Woman delivering is screaming, grunting with exertion.
"It's close! One more big push" Yells the doctor encouragingly.
finalf
Finally, with one final massive effort, the baby is delivered.
'Congratulations, says the doctor. It's a bouncing baby boy!"
He moves to hand the swaddled baby to the eager mother, but as he bends down, he quickly turns away from her, snatches it away and throws the baby against the hospital wall.
Then, he rushes over to it, picks it, and begins dribbling against the floor like a basketball, before finally drop kicking out a nearby open window.
The woman and midwife are screaming.
The doctor turns to them with a smile and a wink says "April fools--it was stillborn!"
I'll see myself out.
* Edited at 04.27.2020, 1:36 AM ET *
04.27.2020 | 10:32 AM ET
04.27.2020 | 5:48 PM ET
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
"you dont need religion to have morals. if you can't tell right from wrong you lack empathy and humanity, not religion."
04.27.2020 | 9:40 PM ET
put them in a class room and never show up.
when i was a kid i prayed every night for a new bike, then i realized god doesnt work that way.
so i stole one and prayed for forgiveness.
science flies people to the moon.
religion flies people into buildings
* Edited at 04.27.2020, 9:41 PM ET *
"you dont need religion to have morals. if you can't tell right from wrong you lack empathy and humanity, not religion."
04.27.2020 | 9:45 PM ET
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
"you dont need religion to have morals. if you can't tell right from wrong you lack empathy and humanity, not religion."
04.27.2020 | 9:47 PM ET
"you dont need religion to have morals. if you can't tell right from wrong you lack empathy and humanity, not religion."
04.28.2020 | 3:51 PM ET
─Beat It. We're Closed.
"**** Fentanyl & **** Opiates too..."