UFC on ESPN 1: N'Gannou vs. Velasquez

I'm taking Ngannou. At the peak of his powers Velasquez would have steamrolled Francis, but what we'lll be getting won't be that Cain. Dude hasn't fought since Aunt Mabel, ring rust is real, and Francis is a big dude who hits really fast, really hard, from really far out, and from everywhere. Francis by KO/TKO within two.

Vick VS Felder

Felder, KO/TKO R3


This should be a good back and forth fight. I see both eating shots, but Felder is an extremely hard man to put away. Just ask Mike Perry. He'might drop the first round, but I see him getting busy in the second, getting up in Vick's grill and really putting the hurt on him. Felder has fought and beaten better guys than Vick, who is just meh andf may have won the perry fight if not for the broken arm, we'll never know. His grit, meanness and fight IQ will carry the day.

* Edited at 02.12.2019, 2:43 AM ET *

Penne vs Esquibel

Penne, decision.


This fight is going to be breathtaking--breathtaking like a 70 year old homeless man's fart who has subsisted on discounted cat food for over a decade in the smallest carriage on the subway . And not the dry stuff, either. Neither of these girls are UFC material, and to make matters worse, they're both wildebeests. Nothing that they do or are is good to look at it. Just how woeful will this fight be? Well, it deserves an analogy of some detail:


Imagine it's your birthday, and your significant other has left you a special surprise, all boxed and neatly wrapped, on the kitchen table before she has left for work. You've got the day off. This is great. You've been given gifts prior to the day, so you weren't expecting anything else. This is just a bonus.


So you optimistically unbox the thing, and all you can find amongst the leaves of old newspaper used for packing is a single banana. There's nothing else. Ok, you think. Well, this isn't even a good gag. You're fairly disappointed, more so because now you have to pretend in the near future that you thought it was funny. The whole charade is going to be a drag.

You haven't breakfasted,so you decide you might as well eat the thing. So you slump down in your favorite chair, and pull the tab. Imagine your surprise when, having peeled back the skin, you find not the velvety ivory-yellow of the banana fruit, but instead the mottled, patchwork browns of a greasy, nodulated Turd. 


There's no way, you think. That's got to be some kind of fudge. So you gingerly raise it to your nose, and take a cautious  sniff. You recoil immediately--the scent is unmistakable; It's definitely ****. Human ****.

You don't scream. You don't rage. You just gently let the bananaturd fall to the floor, walk over to the liquor cabinet, pour yourself a triple, and begin to work through the existential crisis that is considering the implications of having been given a stool inside a banana by the most important person in your life, the effort involved in them doing this, and what it all means.

That's Penn vs Esquibel.

* Edited at 02.12.2019, 5:27 AM ET *

I can't even remember the last time the small cage was used