EXHAUSTIVE ENCYCLOPEDIA, CATALOGING THE THOUGHTS OF TAPOLOGY'S MOST LOQUACIOUS LADY

MOORLADY n. Today's first entry shall address the ancient and venerable noun which our lady takes as his moniker on this site.  A moorland is an inundated land, quite wet, and rather acidic as to pH.  Most plants and animals find it untenable, which suits moorfolk, who are generally of the retiring variety.  While related to their far sexier cousin the MERLADY, also known as a MERMAID, in the blush of youth, the moorlady is often wont to find herself mired in the mud, at one sticky point or another.  She took up the tenancy of Fensalir from Frigg nearly one year ago, and her library does quite well in the climate, if one doesn't mind the thinnest of biofilms.


     

Tasting Notes:  PROPER NO. TWELVE IRISH WHISKEY  It should be noted first that as a moor-dweller, the Moorlady has a decided prejudice in favor of all tipples most peaty.  Mr. McGregor's offering escapes the frequent pitfall of blended Irish whiskies that is sweetness.  He is to be heartily applauded for it, and all bourbons should be put on notice that sweetness is not a quality which will be met with kindly in the Moorlady's tasting rooms.  It is further noted that Mr. McGregor's whiskey is entirely unaged, and perhaps invites the tongue to taste Ireland as it is now, not through intervention of oak or sherry barrel, foreign modifications, true, but distilled naked, and blended naked, like an orgy of confident, beautiful young people, with stories of journeys and oceans and mountains and barks to tell.  One wonders how, without adulterating substance, it manages to make it smooth and fire-dead into the barrel.  Giant's spit?  Ogre's piss?  Irish spring water?  For how can something so tame be worthy of its Gaelic definition, "the water of life," without the quickening of fire.  This is whiskey for old men, and for boys who don't know that it was meant to make them fire-breathing dragons, and not simply old men of lesser wrinkles.  In pandering to the least common denominator with his product, Mr. McGregor, has neutered the essential spirit of the island.


*****Moved this to its own WHISKY TASTING NOTES THREAD******

* Edited at 03.13.2022, 3:23 AM ET *

SNAKES OR BELTS:  HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU RESIDE IN A BOG.  This is such a common fashion quandary for the moorland dweller:  how do you safely belt your garment, knowing that you reach for your BJJ belt, its not simply another adder.  Well, there are certain helpful signs which can clue you in as to whether that wriggling strand of brown is a friend of a face-feeder.  First, try placing it on a hanger, if it voluntary evacuates your closet, you may not be dealing with a consenting belt.  Second, try shaking it.  A true belt makes a little tinkling sound when you hold the clasp up next to your ear.  And third, nothing beats taking a little nibble.  Everyone knows what a belt tastes like, but few know the murky, slithery, sauciness of an adder, just plucked from the muck, and perhaps now you'll be one of them!  Stayed tuned in the coming months as we return to "Snakes and Belts, This Time With Vipers!' as Moorlady graduates to her black belt on Tapology!

PICKING FIGHTS BY THE STARS:  ASTROLOGY AND MMA.  I’m here to help you harness the stars in service to your picking percentage and your wallet.  With this little guide, you can unlock the secrets of the zodiac, and with it, unlock 100% prediction accuracy.

UNGULATES:  Your ungulates are any hooved creature:  your goats (Capricorn), your rams (Aries), your bulls (Taurus).  Anything stompy and horny.  They’re a formidable class of beasts and best most of their opponents owing to their arsenal of weapons.

ARTHROPODS:  Scorpions (Scorpio) and and crabs (Cancer). It's the stinger of the scorpion and the pincers of the crab that make them formidable. Unfortunately, the crab has a weakness; it can be stepped on.  Scorpios, in virtue of their stingers, are the most dangerous sign in MMA today.  

LIONS:  Yes, there’s only one Leo, and they beat practically everything, except Scorpio and Sagittarius.

HUMANS:  Libra.  It’s a blind lady holding scales.  She doesn’t see a lot of hits coming.  Aquarius.  A lady with a jug of water.  She could use the jug as a weapon, but she only beats really lame signs.  Virgo.  A lady who’s a virgin.  There are a few things she can step on, like fish, and that’s about it.  Gemini.  Two are better than one, so sometimes Gemini win, especially against other human signs.  Sagittarius.  Finally, a human who’s armed.  Sagittarius beats all unarmored creatures.

FISH:  Pisces, or the fish, unfortunately exist to be stepped on, in most cases.  I suppose there could be a piranha or shark exception, on occasion.

Stay tuned for my complete 273 fight predictions, made entirely through the method of astrological fighter analysis.  And get ready to make bank, and never worry about fight outcomes again!

Piera Rodriguez vs. Kay Hansen
Rodriguez, DEC
Scorpion stings Lion.

Vinc Pichel vs. Mark Madsen
Pichel, TKO, R3
Archer shoots Blind Justice.

Julio Arce vs. Daniel Santos
Julio Arce, DEC
Scorpion stings Fish.

Mickey Gall vs. Mike Mallott
Mike Mallott, SUB, R2
Scorpion stings the Water Bearer.

Jairzinho Rozenstruik vs. Marcin Tybura
Tybura, DEC
Scorpion stings fish.

Joshua Fremd vs. Anthony Hernandez
Fremd, TKO, R1
Goat stomps on Blind Justice.

Ian Garry vs. Darian Weeks
Garry, TKO, R2
Scorpion stings the Archer.

Aspen Ladd vs. Raquel Pennington
Pennington, DEC
Virgin cooks the Fish.

Mackenzie Dern vs. Tecia Torres 
Torres, DEC
Bull stomps on Crab.

Alexei Oleinik vs. Jared Vanderaa
Oleinik, SUB, R1
Twins gang up on the Bull.

Gilbert Burns vs. Khamzat Chimzaev
Chimzaev, DEC
Bull stomps on a very dangerous Crab.

Aljamain Sterling vs. Petr Yan
Sterling, SUB2
Lion goes for the Water Bearer's jugular.

Alexander Volkanovski vs. Chan Sung Jung
Volkanovski, DEC
Blind Justice tortures the Fish.

It was a dark and stormy night.  I had acquiesced to a threesome, against my better judgment, whereupon which the guest star and I retired to the roof for whisky and cigars.  Thoroughly grossed out, more by the guest star than by the  event itself, I proceeded to vomit into a large pot of dirt, from whence grew up, several days later, a thriving, virile spawn, which I can only assume was a tobacco plant, thirsty for whisky rains.  Reader, my child lives still.

* Edited at 04.17.2022, 4:48 PM ET *

Have some of the threads on this site become really ******* random lately or I have I finally pushed my drinking habit too far?

Speaking for myself, that's probably why they've become so random. :-P

ON CHOOSING A BELT TO GO WITH YOUR OUTFIT.  First, ask yourself, well, what belt would match my shoes?  What belt would match my bag?  What belt would match my date's shoes?  What belt would match my date's bag?  And then just say "**** it" and wear a black belt every day, because you earned that ****, *****!

@Anna I've got the belt question posed to me a few times. I always say it looks fine, because I don't know what that question means. Because you know...it's a ******* belt.

The one time I varied from the spiel the belt in question featured a buckle about the size of a slice of toast, and when asked if I thought it looked ok, I was drinking a coffee and spurted it all over the sofa, and collapsed laughing and choking and coughing  on the floor. I was shown no mercy however, got a called a ******* idiot/(why even bother!?) and simply reverted back to the safe response for all time after that.

@Fish This is a great story!  I really wish there was a picture of the belt.  A lot of toast buckles in Texas.  Facetious post BTW.  I graduated to Tapology black belt today. : )

::sobs:: You didn't even notice the belt I was wearing!?  Cries into coffee. ::Sniff::

Belts come in colours that aren't black?

It's a joke!!!  On an MMA website?!?!

Congrats on the black belt @Moorlady! As for my belt, I don't care what colour it is just as long as it holds my trousers up! 

HOLM VS. VIEIRA:  MAIN AND CO-MAIN, A CARD READING

Holly Holm vs. Ketlen Vieira
Vieira, TKO, R4
Holm has known both success and loss in the cage, and has made her peace with failure.  She approaches this fight in kindness, but underestimates Vieira.  This will be Vieira's fight to lose.  Vieira, whose forename means "talented," has drawn the card of Fate.  Saturday, she has been called, and she will achieve hegemony over her opponent in vicious ground and pound.  They will part as friends.

Santiago Ponzinibbio vs. Michel Pereira
Pereira, DEC
Get ready for eye pokes.  Also, get ready for Ponzinibbio to try some capoeira-style flying moves of his own in a war of spectacular moves.  Pereira will be battling ghosts related to home and family.  These will fuel him to a state of hyper-aggression.  Will it be enough to overcome Ponzinibbio's fouls?  I think it will, but the bigger question, is whether he can wrangle his ghosts and overcome outside of the octagon.

"They will part as friends." - @Moorlady

That's nice to hear!