Tapology Talks: Random daily musings.

My local grocery store has literally hired a goblin to hand out food samples. 

I know I'm prone to exaggerating how unattractive certain women are, but this particular one, who I suppose is in her mid forties, looks as much like a female version of the great Goblin from the hobbit trilogy as is perhaps humanly possible without the usage of special effects and/or latex. I'd post a picture of her if I thought I could get away with it.

She's got a raspy lisp too. I was turning out left out of an aisle when confronted by this creature, who really should be stacking boxes out the back, or mopping, bent double  hissing, chittering in the darkest corner of the warehouse,or dusting the storage shelves she's fashioned a den under, or something--anything well away from public view, when she thrust a tray of deli meats in front of me and asked 'Try some salami'?

I've restored the spaces. What it come out as was 'Trissemhalami'? The inflection was like a bunch of eels wrapped in steel wool being rammed down a dry toilet with a  greasy pool noodle, and I couldn't help but snap my head back, and began to lift my hand as though to cover my face. I reacted the way people do when their woken up by a light being switched on.

To spare the ensuing awkwardness, I apologized and said I hadn't seen her there and got a bit of a start. This was true, but it was an understatement. I had literally recoiled in repulsion--or had begun to, anyway.

My local store manager either is either a very good soul....or a very bad one.
Or he doesn't want anyone buying the salami.


Frankly I couldn't give a solitary **** if every single Chimp on Earth died tomorrow, and I'm quietly hoping this does in fact eventuate.


Watched a brief documentary on Chimps today. It concerned the destruction of their habitat. By the end, I was rooting for the bulldozers.

It occurred to me that the more intelligent a species is, typically the more repulsive, barbaric and depraved its species behavior. All that separates moths from clown **** and bull fighting is in all probability an intelligence gap.

Chimps are the penultimate organism in terms of intellect, and going by the aforementioned rule, are accordingly sickening forms of life who indulge in all manner of hideous barbarity and perversion, this behavior is completely unmitigated by any sense of morality, conscience, or shame whatsoever. What is a chimp? A chimp is a human being with all civility scoured off and granted carte blanche to indulge in unlimited degeneracy free of consequence. Unlike human beings, they are not even capable of nobility. They are people without the potential to do anything good at all.

They murder and **** one another. They've been known to **** people, too. I cannot even imagine those therapy sessions. They Chase down lower orders of primates in their habitats and viciously dismember and eat them alive. They glut on their own **** with the same unabashed bliss as the obese when indulging on moon pies.

It's really a double-standard that sees chimps given a pass. When a human being is deemed a murdering, ****-eating ******, they are immediately incarcerated or executed.

Frankly, I think it is a befitting thing that as of this very minute these beasts are having their eyes and brains burned out in clean white colgate-palmolive and phizer laboratories to the end of bringing me milder forms of shampoo and new classes of antibiotics.  A silk hat out of a pig's ear.

They deserve extinction as much or more than any species that does exist, or perhaps has ever existed.

**** them.

I deeply resent the fact my Vegan girlfriend won't let me post a recipe for Vegan Ortolans on a popular vegan recipe site as a troll--mostly because she can't explain what's wrong with Vegan Ortolans.


Ortolans is a traditional French dish of marinated and roasted Emberiza Hortulana; A type of migratory,tit-like bird native to Europe and the Mediterranean. The birds are caught in nets, kept in the dark and fed grain, before having their eyes plucked out whilst still alive, and drowned in Armagnac--a type of brandy, before being plucked and roasted. It is customary to cover oneself with a cloth when eating them--the idea being what you're doing is so massively ****** up and egregiously evil that you need to hide the act from God.


My guess however is that anybody who has indulged in this fare, knowing how it is produced, has probably done something at least as bad or worse sans cloth and in full view of our creator.


This dish is now deemed illegal everywhere in the world.


Now, Just for ****s and giggles, I was planning on writing a vegan Ortolans recipe and posting it on a popular vegan recipe site. I pitched the idea to my Vegan girlfriend, who generally agrees with me that such things as Vegan Tuna Poke made out of watermelon is ******* ridiculous ********, and she got real dark about it and demanded I refrain.


I tried to explain that her position didn't make any sense. I cited the fact that she wears fake fur, and is vehemently against the animal fur trade. Surely, I thought, she could see the hypocrisy there. She could not. I asked her to explain how the two cases were different. She says they just are.


Culty. Very Culty.


Over and out.

* Edited at 05.05.2020, 6:31 AM ET *

@Mickey I'm not sure TBH. I can't remember how much stronger than humans they are but I do remember it's significant. Maybe a HW would have a shot but it's quite possible a fully grown chimp would rip arms off.

So it turns out Chimps are only about 1.5x stronger than the average human. I was way off.

https://www.newscientist.com/article/2138714-chimps-are-not-as-superhumanly-strong-as-we-thought-they-were/


A HW UFC fighter would smoke one pretty easily, assuming it didn't just bite his face off/gouge his eyes out or something. It would have to be a chimp fighting by the rules. It isn't that far fetched, we have chimps ******* judging fights so why not participating?

It would have to be a gorilla vs a HW IMO. But that would probably be a guppy feed considering they've been clocked in lifting 1800lbs ( Holy ******* ****!).

My air conditioning maintenance guy probably isn't coming back because he thinks I'm an *******, and it's all because of cereal.


I have a really bad habit of buying different types of cereal. I'm not sure what it is, but I'll pretty much buy any new type of cereal I see on the shelf. Typically, I'll try a bowl and decide it's garbage, roll up the plastic, fold back the carton and never think about it again--unless a world vision commercial comes on the tele, then I'll pull out a box, and start shaking cartons of it into a nearby bin, laughing hysterically, fully erect and flipping the TV the bird.

I'm kidding. 

Anyway, my aircon guy comes in the other week to do something with the filter or whatever, and he sees all the pristine boxes of cereal lined up neatly as bowling pins. I'd throw them away, but it's got to the point that their kind of ornaments. It's a collection.

 Anyway, he says 'Like yer cereals, hay'?

I'm not sure why, but this immediately got my hackles up. Something about it just poked my rage button. The sensation was not unlike when someone accidentally rams their trolley into your heel at the supermarket; the fact it isn't intentional doesn't stop you seeing red.

I just stared at him, and didn't say anything. He started back at me for  a while looking like a pet which doesn't understand what it needs to do to get a treat, then walked outside to the AC and started  taking the grill off.

I probably should have left it there.

So I pick up my coffee and walk outside, and I say, 'You can have some if you like'. 'What's that, mate'? 'Cereal. You can take some boxes home if you like'.

I'm smiling, my tone is like Mr Rogers'.

'Probably don't need any really but thanks mate'.

'You sure? It's pretty much all out of date. I tried feeding some to my Dog but he didn't seem to like it. I picked all the weevils out of one box, fed them to the fish. They're not perfect but would probably be OK for your kids though'.

'One sec mate, just gotta get something from the ute'.

He took his bag of kit, jumped in the car and drove off.
I don't think he's coming back.

* Edited at 05.08.2020, 3:09 AM ET *

I didn't care until I checked an it was actually Jerry Stiller, and now I'm sad.

RIP. FESTIVUS FOREVER!

* Edited at 05.11.2020, 8:34 PM ET *

@free no. Closest I've come to that was one time when I was playing COD MW2 and was on a streak of 23 and my GF pushed the power button on the XBOX because I wasn't paying attention to her.

I've bedded a quite a few different nationalities.  I man*****d pretty bad at University but most people do. Most unusual nationality I've slept with is Slovenian. Most unusual ethnicity is probably half Malaysian half papua new guinean.

They're literally all the same in the end. Women are pretty much universal.

* Edited at 05.11.2020, 8:50 PM ET *

Well I wanted to toss her out the window but obviously you can't do **** like that. Pretty sure I stormed out and went to Mcdonalds.