UFC on ESPN 5: Covington vs. Lawler

Borella vs Murphy


Borella, dec.





Schevchenko vs Pudilova.

Schevchenko, dec.

This fight will be like watching two sparrows play tug-of-war of war over a scrap of bagel crust on an overcast day at a cafe when the person you're meant to be meeting  is 47 minutes late ,has just called to say they're stuck in traffic, you don't have a newspaper and the wifi isn't working; you'll only watch it because it's slightly more interesting than everything else. 

And it's fine until some entitled new mother strolls in with a new baby, proud as though it's the last and final  creation of God--seemingly oblivious to the fact it exudes a miasma of feces and powdered milk that not only overpowers the aroma of percolating continental roasts, but seemingly everything else in the world, and sits in the booth opposite. It starts to wail like the tail end a horse knackerer's nightmare. What would happen if you just up and threw it at all the wall, or planted it like a flag facefirst in the dumpster, overflowing with coffee grounds, to send her rushing over to rip it out feet first like a filthy, caffeinated mandrake? What would happen if you **** your own pants, jumped on her table, pointed a finger to your own shame and began screaming in her face?

Such questions one might ponder as the wailing doesn't abate; she hasn't learned to control this thing, maybe never will; it's a reactor in meltdown and she's a drunk soviet tech sweating grease and slapping buttons hoping for a bingo. None of it makes any more sense than ham in a Pavlova--techno at a funeral. And against all expectation nobody else seems bothered by it.The indifference is breathtaking.  The waitress comes over and lovingly smiles at the thing which is roughly as inconspicuous and appealing as a hippopotamus giving birth by the cookie stand like she just found a fifty dollar note on the sidewalk. It's not only not a big deal--It's a ******* treat!

And then you sidle up to this unbelievably selfish and ridiculous woman and pitch to her; 'I'll pay you to have lunch somewhere else'. Her expression rapidly degenerates from confusion to hate, and she complains to the manager, and you get asked to leave. Then you have to call the person you were meant to be meeting and tell them you got kicked out of a cafe for arguing with a woman over her baby. And that person never calls you again. 

* Edited at 07.31.2019, 2:36 AM ET *